| | This past Friday I received a phone call that no one ever wants to receive. It was my mom calling and I could tell from her first words that something was very wrong so I said, "What´s that voice?" When her response was "Are you somewhere you can be alone?" my heart sank. My mom had the difficult job of calling to tell me my grandma had passed away. Sure I had gotten emails and letters telling me multiple so and so´s were getting this or that test done for something something because their thingy was all out of sorts but I didn´t take it all that seriously! I mean there is always some issue or problem and people are in and out of the doctors office. My grandparents are old! OF course they´re going in for checkups and such. The bad part is my mom even wrote saying, "I don´t know how much longer she´ll be with us" and I did nothing. Its hard to explain but when you leave somewhere; whether that be for school, Peace Corps, a job or whatever, you expect to come home to everything the way you left it. Some part of you won´t let go of that image in your head of the way people look, the layout of your town, the color of houses, the never ending construction, etc. when I left for grad school and came back every few months for visits I was shocked and appalled by all the changes each and every time I came back. That was with only months in between each visit! I can not fathom what these two years will do to me. But that´s why I did nothing when my mom sent me the warning signs. I couldn't´t imagine Grandma not being exactly the way I left her. I couldn't´t picture her not being at holidays and special events. I just couldn't´t. She has always been there...how would one go about cutting her out? The reality is now she has been ripped out and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel guilty for a multitude of reason. First and foremost I feel guilty for being so far away in a time when my family could use me by their side. I feel guilty for being gone for so long and never going home. I feel guilty that I didn´t send letters or notes like I should have just letting her know how I´m doing and see what she´s up to. I feel guilty not going home for her funeral because I can´t afford it. I feel guilty because I knew this sort of thing was a possibility when I joined but I joined anyway. I feel guilty... How to recover from guilt and accept my grandmothers death is what I am dealing with now. It´s a hard thing to do alone and thousands of miles away from your family because their is something to be said for suffering together. I have found help and support from other PCV´s who have also lost loved one´s while being here. Its an unfortunate but common occurrence to find other PCV´s in my exact situation because a large majority of us are "at that age" when this sort of thing happens. It is terrible and difficult but like other challenges and hard times here we help each other and get through it. I know my time here is coming to a close and I know I will be going back to drastic changes and incredible differences. I accept that fact. I do. But when I imagine walking through the door with my bag under my arm and everyone I love cheering and clapping like a hero´s welcome you better believe I still see Grandma there laughing and ready with a hug. She´s been in my "welcome home seen" every time I´ve dreamnt it and I´m just not ready to give that up yet. Maybe one day soon I´ll be ready but today isn't that day and tomorrow isn´t looking so good either. jgm |
| | Posted 4/22/2008 7:48 PM - 67 Views - 0 eProps - 1 Comment
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